How I became beautiful (NEDA)

This week is National Eating Disorders Awareness week. The theme “I had no idea” rings true with me and I’m sure so many of those who suffered from EDs.

I submitted a post to Clare awhile back for her Recovery Series and you can read my about me. Today I’m going to be positive, to look on the bright sides. It’s funny because Clare sent me back my post to edit because I needed to be more positive. So here it is…

I submitted a photo of myself, sans makeup, to Long Drive Journey awhile ago. I realized I never talked about the post on “Raw Beauty.”

This was easy for me because I don’t wear makeup. I’ve never learned to do it and maybe I should, but I think I look okay, I prefer sleep/eating/working out in the morning, and I don’t like to put more stuff on my face – adult acne still exists.

When people tell me I’m beautiful or hot, I never believe them. Especially if you’re a guy. I’m terrible at thinking of myself as hot. I think I’m beautiful, but do other people really think so too?

Growing up, I was not beautiful or hot. I grew up with a gazillion Asian girls, all rail-thin and let’s be honest, you would probably have trouble distinguishing between us all. I mean, we live in the suburbs and even I can’t tell the difference between all the girls regardless of race. High school students essentially alike, especially to subs.

When I moved away to a place with few Asian girls, I was told I was beautiful. Okay, whatever, it’s because I’m a novelty. Wait, maybe not? Maybe I’m just distinguishable now. Yes, that’s it.

One of the things I’m grateful for is that being the fat girl made me overcompensate. That doesn’t sound right, but let me explain. I wanted to prove myself, to show that my body wasn’t everything. I was super nice but not a pushover, I was fun and funny, I’m friendly and extroverted, and I tried hard in school (not the same as being smart; I just tried hard). And you know… that made me a whole, well-rounded person in more than just my body shape. 🙂

When I lost weight, lost 75 pounds, I was called hot and beautiful. Then, my body became everything. It defined who I was and for the last few years, that was who I am.

Until now. Yet sometimes I’m not even sure, I can only live in the moment. Now, I’m a teacher. I put my career on hold to be beautiful perfect on the outside. I found a new job that I truly love and I went back to school.

I became social again.

Step 1: Make a friend. I met a friend at work and we visited Austin, which was semi-disappointing.

Step 2 and the biggest one of all: I went back to Asheville, where so much started, including my love of teaching, my love for people, and my ED.

…and I visited my friend David in San Francisco.

Step 3: Make new friends.

Attended to Blend 2013 and have kept in touch with quite a few gorgeous ladies.

Made some friends through my cousin.

Went to a few Meetups and met a great group of women.

So what makes me beautiful? How I feel.

  • I feel beautiful when I squat and throw around a kettlebell.
  • I feel beautiful when I teach, when I can say with 100% confidence that I did a good job.
  • I feel beautiful when I take walks along the beach. Hiking too, but my hands get puffy and I look messy.
  • I feel beautiful when I’m dancing and a little tipsy. 🙂
  • I feel beautiful when I read. Learning is beautiful.

Somewhere this week I read something along the lines of Healthy is attainable, beauty is not. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder (me).

Read the post “Raw Beauty,” beautifully written by Amy.

How have you become beautiful?

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4 thoughts on “How I became beautiful (NEDA)

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