WIAW, and unpacking the past

I’ve done raw.

I’ve done vegetarian.

I’ve gone Paleo.

I did Zumba… and every group exercise class ever.

I’ve tried hot yoga.

I’ve tried CrossFit.

I attempted to run. I have a 5K and a mud run under my belt.

I’ve added in walking.

And I’ll admit, I’m trying Intermittent Fasting to get rid of my obsessive food thoughts.

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But…

I like bread. I can do without rice, noodles, and pasta.

I like cheese.

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I like nut butters. With peanut butter, or in superfood snack bites.

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I love chocolate, and sour candy. πŸ™‚

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I love avocados. Found the last tub of this avocado ice cream. Sadly, not as good as the homemade stuff from The Hop.

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Oils and fats help me stay full. Arman, I tried coconut oil in my coffee.

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We’re moving and I’ve had to sort my clothes. I threw out all my size 16 (junior sizing) pants when I got thin. That was a load off.

But when I came home (to California) 3 years ago, I put my junior size 3-5 clothing in a suitcase and hid it away. I couldn’t handle seeing the clothes I took so much care purchasing and looked so good in… because they didn’t fit anymore. I was 115 pounds, within the BMI for someone at 5’3.

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I had to face the facts, I wasn’t going to fit this stuff anymore. I gave it to my little cousin and my mom tried some on. My mom, who is now 120 (after being 130-135 all her life) because of a bout with pneumonia and other illness, looks small and frail. She has very little muscle mass. Well, mom could hardly fit into my pants. And lemme tell ya, I’ve got a big ol’ booty.

When I was 115 pounds, I didn’t realize how tiny I was. My face earned quite a few wrinkles and I looked too thin for me. Not only that, I lost my period, had heart palpitations, and had 2 meals a day that consisted of an apple and PB.

Today, I weigh in between 135-140, which is still within the normal BMI but just barely. No one knows. No one thinks I weigh as much.

My weight changes for no reason – last summer with partying and drinking and stressing my body with little sleep and then work, I went down to almost 132 pounds. Somehow, I gained weight in the fall/winter despite not partaking in holiday meals. I weight more and my clothes are a little tighter, but I’m also more defined everywhere… even my inner thighs are starting to get some muscles.

I can tell you exactly what my sweet spot is. It’s 125 pounds. I can pinpoint it because that’s right before I started anorexic/exercise bulimic behaviors.

But you know what? I’ve stayed pretty stable for awhile. 5 pounds comes and goes every year and it evens out. I put my body through a lot and it’s trying to figure it out. P.S. A lot of it is in my midsection area, and considering everything I’ve done, I’m ruling that it’s hormones.

Today, I am strong – I was in yoga class between 4 women my age, all tinier than me but all struggling with their bodyweight and flexibility. I can also lift heavier things, I have pretty good cardio endurance, my health has returned, I eat well and feel good, I have a good job and goals, and dudes… kind of (see below).

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This book is hilarious. I’m not a lighthouse, I’m the Bermuda Triangle. Metaphorically of course. Read the intro here.

So lately, here are my thoughts:

  • My mom, at 120 pounds, ill and frail, can hardly fit into my pants at the lowest weight.
  • My face got wrinkly, but it has now filled out.
  • I’m stronger and more flexible than most people.
  • I read Julie/PB Fingers’ post on “Working Out Together” and it confirms it: most guys don’t work out.
  • I put my body through a lot, and it’s still trying to adjust. One day it’ll work itself out.
  • It shouldn’t be this hard/it shouldn’t take over so much of my life.
  • Screw this, let’s find love… because it’s still February and all. πŸ™‚

What have you tried (vegetarian, Paleo, etc)? Why did you try it?

Do people in your life work out regularly?

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11 thoughts on “WIAW, and unpacking the past

  1. Love this post. πŸ™‚

    “It shouldn’t be this hard” – true. “One day it’ll work itself out.” – I believe this is also true. For me both the physical and the mental adjustment happened so gradually I didn’t even notice (and it’s still happening, I still have a way to go). For instance, I hadn’t noticed that some time in the last year or so I stopped reading nutritional labels, until I read something about it on another blog, and then it occurred to me – “huh. I don’t do that anymore.”

    I’m also a huge fan of bread and cheese. Preferably together! πŸ™‚ But despite this, I went gluten, and then grain free for ages. Have not really tried many specific diet plans, like Paleo, but I have tried sugar free, dairy free, gluten free, grain free, fat free, low carb, etc….basically anything that involved cutting things I really loved from my diet. Oh, and calorie counting. That was my big thing when I was younger. And I had lots of different reasons/excuses, but I guess at the end of the day it mostly came down to feeling like I was in control.

    Have had this recipe for avocado ice cream bookmarked for ages, but am still a little scared of green food in desserts and and stuff (took me ages to try putting spinach and avocados in my smoothies, and even longer to finally try avocado chocolate pudding….). What’s that ice cream like? Does it taste a lot of avocado (and is that a stupid question…)?

    • I stopped using MyFitnessPal for the most part but I still know how much I eat for the most part because I did it for so long.

      I always add spinach/kale when I make smoothies.

      Sadly, the avocado ice cream was creamy but it didn’t pack much of an avocado flavor. It was overpowered by the milk and whey powder. Homemade is probably better.

  2. I’ve been vegetarian due to a distaste for meat, and it caused me to gain weight throughout my teens. I’m almost done with this Paleo stint, and though it’s made me lose weight, I’m unhappy with my relationship with food, for the most part.

    I think it’s really all about balance. Finding what works for you, makes you happy, and keeps you healthy.

    • I lost a few pounds on Paleo but nothing significant. I don’t want to fixate on food – when I was heavier, I had less obsession with food than I do now. Much less. It’s weird to think that someone obese (myself) didn’t care about food. I just try to eat foods that don’t make me feel bad, which kind of sucks because pizza (the combination of all the things that make up a pizza) hurt my stomach almost every time. That’s a risk I take once in awhile because I love it.

  3. For sure something I can relate to! I didn’t used to be confident and then with a stressful period in my life I lost weight due to the stress, I go way to thin and could barely find pants that fit (I’m only 4’11 though so I was already at that point haha) but then I started gaining weight back finally, but now I am stuck in a phase where I tend to get stuff in sugar phases, for example eating a whole lot of banana chips haha and I just don’t feel good on the inside. I keep going through those exercise changes too and just can’t seem to find my balance. So no I haven’t tried any of those diets but I did finally decide to invest in a fitness nutrition coach for some meal and fitness tips! Hoping to learn more and become healthier! And stop worrying about it so much!

    • It sounds like, for both of us, more worrying than anything! I’m trying to keep stress at bay, but my eating definitely causes stress. I’m trying intermittent fasting, which may just be another “experiment” like the others, but I’m not following it really – I’m mostly taking away that I should eat whenever and not have to schedule meals. Sometimes I eat when I’m not hungry or when I’m still full because it has been 3-4 hours since I last ate. I’m glad you haven’t tried those diets and that you instead, hired a coach.

  4. Wow. Wonderful post. I found your blog through WIAW and I will now be a faithful reader! I have tried so many different things. Paleo, Vegetarian, Vegan, Calorie Counting, Macro Tracking and I’ve found just listening to my body and allowing it to tell me what it wants works best πŸ™‚

    • Thanks Lyric! It’s funny because I try to listen to my body then I read this and that about breakfast, post-workout meals, blah blah blah. I think we’re just overly educated. πŸ˜‰

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