How I became beautiful (NEDA)

This week is National Eating Disorders Awareness week. The theme “I had no idea” rings true with me and I’m sure so many of those who suffered from EDs.

I submitted a post to Clare awhile back for her Recovery Series and you can read my about me. Today I’m going to be positive, to look on the bright sides. It’s funny because Clare sent me back my post to edit because I needed to be more positive. So here it is…

I submitted a photo of myself, sans makeup, to Long Drive Journey awhile ago. I realized I never talked about the post on “Raw Beauty.”

This was easy for me because I don’t wear makeup. I’ve never learned to do it and maybe I should, but I think I look okay, I prefer sleep/eating/working out in the morning, and I don’t like to put more stuff on my face – adult acne still exists.

When people tell me I’m beautiful or hot, I never believe them. Especially if you’re a guy. I’m terrible at thinking of myself as hot. I think I’m beautiful, but do other people really think so too?

Growing up, I was not beautiful or hot. I grew up with a gazillion Asian girls, all rail-thin and let’s be honest, you would probably have trouble distinguishing between us all. I mean, we live in the suburbs and even I can’t tell the difference between all the girls regardless of race. High school students essentially alike, especially to subs.

When I moved away to a place with few Asian girls, I was told I was beautiful. Okay, whatever, it’s because I’m a novelty. Wait, maybe not? Maybe I’m just distinguishable now. Yes, that’s it.

One of the things I’m grateful for is that being the fat girl made me overcompensate. That doesn’t sound right, but let me explain. I wanted to prove myself, to show that my body wasn’t everything. I was super nice but not a pushover, I was fun and funny, I’m friendly and extroverted, and I tried hard in school (not the same as being smart; I just tried hard). And you know… that made me a whole, well-rounded person in more than just my body shape. 🙂

When I lost weight, lost 75 pounds, I was called hot and beautiful. Then, my body became everything. It defined who I was and for the last few years, that was who I am.

Until now. Yet sometimes I’m not even sure, I can only live in the moment. Now, I’m a teacher. I put my career on hold to be beautiful perfect on the outside. I found a new job that I truly love and I went back to school.

I became social again.

Step 1: Make a friend. I met a friend at work and we visited Austin, which was semi-disappointing.

Step 2 and the biggest one of all: I went back to Asheville, where so much started, including my love of teaching, my love for people, and my ED.

…and I visited my friend David in San Francisco.

Step 3: Make new friends.

Attended to Blend 2013 and have kept in touch with quite a few gorgeous ladies.

Made some friends through my cousin.

Went to a few Meetups and met a great group of women.

So what makes me beautiful? How I feel.

  • I feel beautiful when I squat and throw around a kettlebell.
  • I feel beautiful when I teach, when I can say with 100% confidence that I did a good job.
  • I feel beautiful when I take walks along the beach. Hiking too, but my hands get puffy and I look messy.
  • I feel beautiful when I’m dancing and a little tipsy. 🙂
  • I feel beautiful when I read. Learning is beautiful.

Somewhere this week I read something along the lines of Healthy is attainable, beauty is not. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder (me).

Read the post “Raw Beauty,” beautifully written by Amy.

How have you become beautiful?

Five Friday Favorites: Falling in love with music & BJ Penn


5 things that make me happy

1. My last hurrah as a sub is with a group of students I fell in love with. Surprisingly, it’s not my favorite school site – it looks like a prison – but it kind of is now because I love these students!

2. The last few episodes of “Breaking Bad” is on Netflix!

3. “Scandal” is back and I forgot (last night) – I’ll treat myself to it today! I’ll probably have to re-watch some episodes to remember what happened last!

4.  A guy offered to help me move the couch even though he lives 30+ minutes away, but I really needed a truck for the task and he doesn’t have one. However, my best friend Peter’s dad’s truck was actually dead! He ended up coming anyways to load the couch in my car (a Honda Element) after I sent him this. 🙂


*I meant it when I said his workout was more important, but he thought I was being sarcastic.

5. Said guy from above (not Peter) also looks like the MMA fighter BJ Penn. Thanks Yancey for pointing that out. I’ll take it. Always thought I’d end up with an islander, except said guy is not an islander…


5 songs, because I’ve become obsessed with songs lately?

1. Donald Glover, or “Childish Gambino” sings “Heartbreak.” Yancey thought his rap songs would be parodies but they’re not.

2. I only found out that he rapped because I heard Jhene on Spotify. Do you remember her from early 2000s B2K songs?

3. Jhene and Lil’ Wayne are featured on Big Sean’s song “Beware.”

4. One of 15 feel-good songs from the last 10 years:

5. My personality doppelganger sings a song:


5 things I’m looking forward to in the next week

1. Finishing up this last class!

2. My paycheck today!

3. An invitation to lunch at Luna Grill, a Mediterranean & Middle Eastern restaurant, on Sunday. They must’ve heard Mediterranean is my favorite. Wait, that and sushi, but I’m limited on sushi choices.

4. The opening of Eureka! because I love food and beer.

5. Trying Guava Cream Ale beer at Valiant Brewing’s 1st anniversary!


5 12  links (that’s a big jump!)

Eating Disorder Awareness & Recovery: As the sun rises, the darkness fades. Sometimes I don’t know if it’s over either, but I just “live in the moment.”

A long one, but a good one: When does healthy living become a diet?

ED’s are not one size. It’s not uncommon to be uncommon in ED.

Wearable fitness trackers: Are they creating a new addiction? I don’t own one and that surprises even me. I wanted one, but I don’t need one. I already take my fitness and eating game too seriously. I don’t need it as motivation. My friend has one and will get obsessed over walking enough. Yes, she will walk more, but do I really need another thing? I remember when I wanted to buy a heart rate monitor – would that really be a big deal in my overall fitness? Probably not for me.

And then there’s this: For those with orthorexia, diet can never be ‘pure’ enough.

What I learned from 2 years of intermittent fasting.

Weight loss and self love. Health is measurable, beauty is not.

50 shades of fit

What’s your belly type? Can I get flat abs?

[Video] Body shape: How to calculate your shape & change your body. Hey, I have the perfect waist-hip ratio but have a high chest-waist ratio because I have no chest…

Why the advice “Just eat more to rev up your metabolism” is misguided. I watched all 45 minutes of this video. Extremely respectful couple with lots of science and knowledge behind their thoughts.

An interview with Neghar Fonooni because she’s fantastic.


Who is your personality and/or physical doppelganger? Who does your partner, if you have one, look like?

Thinking Out Loud Thursday: [Good] News & My Personality Doppelganger?


This week was filled with good news!

1. I was stressing out about temporarily not working to student teach, but it looks like I’ll have a seasonal job, even though it’s not ideal, while/immediately after.

2. Not only that, I’m going to Natural Products Expo for the low price of FREE and I’m getting paid.

3. I’m also going to Coachella for FREE! Coachella is a huge music festival with big names (see below).


Find me at Urban Pie there selling you delicious, fresh local pizza! I’ve always wanted to be apart of a thriving local business!

4. How I’m perceived because I work for the schools:

1) I’m instantly trustworthy.
2) I won’t judge you. (I just pretend everything is a joke.)
3) And of course I’m a good person. (Well yes. Although the creepy teachers are killing this for us.)
4) I have fantastic people skills. (I’ll toot my own horn: I’m really good with students and only a little bit less good with adults in person.)
5) I love kids.* (The “kids” are high school students not small children – been there, done that and it wasn’t my favorite, but I survived and I can do it.)
6) I’m patient. (The least true of them all. I’m extremely patient with students, but I have very little patience with adults sometimes.)

All of these are [partially] true.

5. The students told me I remind them of Esther Ku from “Girl Code.” So either I’m funny or I’m weird enough to be on T.V.

6. Speaking of those lovely students, their teacher asked me to come back again on Friday. That’s 3 times in 2 weeks! I can say 100% that I did a great job – I really connected with every class. Typically, teachers ask me to sub repeatedly because they know me and while students may like me, it’s more of a social favor than anything.

Oh and I cannot wait to have sushi from Slow Fish again while I’m there!

7. Other delicious food: organic, non-GMO ice cream from Sweet XO with my little cousin.


Strawberry shortcake for me, circus animals for her.


8. One of the GNCs I went to told me their buy 3, get 1 Quest Bar deal was over, but I went to my favorite location and they still had it! Must stock up on my favorites:


9. We’ve postponed our move for 2 weeks. Not a problem on our end but our tenants, the really nice family, hasn’t closed on their home yet.

We’re okay with this because they’re nice, they’re paying us, I have a ton going on this next week, and it’s raining this weekend anyways.

10. Since we found a nice sofa/sleeper for such a good price, I’ve had to readjust my decorating. The sofa is basil or a green – what color goes with it? We need decorative pillows and a rug.